twilightbattery

my grades = the suck. I've found myself back in the cycle of last year-- not doing work, not studying, essentially not giving a fuck. As a result, my grades are as such:

Chemistry- F, 52%
Forensic Science- A, 93.8%
English- B, 85.3%
AE3- B, 88.8%
Algebra 2- C, 73.9%
Biology- D, 67.2%
Chinese 3- C, 79.2%

what the fuck D:

This is only halfway through the quarter, so I've got time to pull my shit together...so I think.
and I'm running out of Adderall, which is really making me nervous, because I've started to stay up later trying to finish my homework, and therefore am more tired the following day. I stayed home today, complaining of a stomach ache, but really, I needed some fucking sleep, and I didn't do the take home quiz we got in Algebra on Friday, or the missing work I need to hopefully raise my grade in Chemistry. My D in Bio is from a lab I did horribly on- I got 20/35, all because of some drawings.
And all Aaron can say is, "I'm so disappointed with myself, I'm doing a half-assed job on everything and getting B's," while even if I work my ass off, I get the same grades. I'm so embarrassed, I can't even tell him how terribly I'm doing. It probably doesn't help that I'm spending all my time with him and not doing ANY work whatsoever. That's what needs to change. But seriously, this is just depressing. Last quarter I beasted on that shit. And now...

I'm tempted to make this public, but for now, it'll be private. I can't even admit to myself how awfully I'm doing. I'm actually procrastinating on some English homework, due tomorrow, to write this. So long.

I think of all the things I could have done then that I can't do now, and it's like being scolded.
Just because you forget something's there, doesn't mean it disappears.
And I've been gone so long, I don't know where to start. With an apology, a hug, or some comforting words.
I don't even know if I'm in the right position to do those things, to do the things my soul aches to do for those I love in pain.
That's like asking, If it saved your life, would you drink a gallon of hydrogen peroxide?
geez, way to make it easy.

it's been a while.


I don't even know where to start...I could just start with what's easiest :D
Aaron's been lovely, Aaron is lovely, I love lovely, I love Aaron. Rolled on Halloween and told him I loved him, and he took it very well, he had THE cutest reaction, says I. Things have just gotten better and better since, to the point where we're talking about tying the knot, holy cow. I'll go into that some other time, just because I'd rather not right now...I'll have these moments when I'm with him, and I think to myself, Oh my god, I'm with Aaron, I'm here, physically, this is really happening...I think back to a little over a month and a half ago, and I try to imagine how I would have felt if I'd known where I would be right now. If that makes any sense.
I know I'm sixteen--trust me, I know--and I know we're probably getting WAY ahead of ourselves. In all my other relationships, even with Joseph and Ben, we never really talked about marriage. At least, not seriously. With Joseph, I would say that I wanted to be the one who proposed, and I sort of gave him a promise ring (it was a necklace), but I got that back. Plus, when I tried to think to the future, maybe ten or so years from then, I never saw us getting married and settling down. I didn't doubt that we'd be together for a long time, and to this day, I dated him longer than I've dated anyone else. As far as Ben is concerned, I knew that for the well being of the both of us, we shouldn't get married, or be together forever. We always talked about how we would always love one another, but I don't think we ever seriously discussed marriage. In regard to all my other boyfriends, I never saw myself past high school with any of them. Sure, I fantasized, but I never put any serious thought to it (speaking of which, I got a call from Sam Moon today while I was at work, and I meant to call him back, but I haven't gotten the opportunity. Hopefully I'll remember to do that tomorrow, or soon. If at all.)
With Aaron, it's...different. I think to graduating, even though I'm graduating a year before him, I think to being in college, I think to grad school, I think to our thirties, and I can't see it with anyone else. I know there are plenty of other fish in the sea, except it's never made sense to me before to even consider the fish I was with at the time. I think about this, I'm seriously thinking about it. I'm not sure if I'm scared anymore, I'm just really hoping I don't fuck things up.
He's really the sweetest boy I've ever met, and I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else.

School has been going alright. I've been going back and forth between working really really hard and dicking around. Either way, my last report card was awesome (not as awesome as it was last year this time, though...), only three B's, the rest were A's. 's aight.

I also just found out Neo might be at the pound D: In a nutshell, we gave her to Ashle, who had to give her away because her landlords found out about it and got all, >:O, and so she gave Neo to Chloe, who supposedly took her to the pound earlier today. I was really really upset to hear this, for many reasons. I'm fucking pissed that my grandma's cat couldn't get along with her, and therefore is the reason we had to get rid of her in the first place. I'm pissed that Ashle's landlords are dicks, because I'm pretty sure she was taking good care of the two cats (including Neo), and wasn't letting them shit and piss everywhere. I'm pissed that Chloe didn't ever mention this to me, not like she couldn't, or made any attempt to contact me and tell me Neo was okay, or anything. I'm especially pissed that Chloe ended up taking her, but it's not like Ashle knew this would happen or anything. I'm really pissed that Chloe took her to the pound, and then I'm sad because she took Neo to the pound.
This just...sucks.
ugh.

everything else = superrrrb it's ridiculous and hard to believe it's almost fucking December, meaning it's almost fucking 2010
oh my god.

and Joseph is trying to hang out right now, ehughghg. I have work tomorrow, and as much adderall as I have, I'm just fucking tired. ugh, fuck me.

I think I have gotten so. lucky.
Seriously.
I'm just the happiest little lad alive :3
"I've never been in love before, but this is the closest I've ever felt to it."
I might die, dawwwwww


Mum's out of town until Halloween, which would be super fucking awesome for me if I drove, because she left her car here D:
BUT NO.
That's okay, though, Aaron's been super sweet and driving me places, and his mum has given me a ride home three times now at very late hours of the evening. By very late, I mean around midnight, except for tonight.

I'm just feeling awesome as hell.

First dates are always awkward, but my god, are the days following even more awkward D:
I don't know what this means. Are we dating, or do we just "have a thing?" Who's supposed to clear this up--would it be weird for me to ask you out, or should I wait until you pop the question? What does all of this MEAN?

I can barely resist temptation, and that's to just typa-typa-typa and get it out there. But then I think, Ugh NO, that's so middle school. So what options do I have left? Call/text, or wait till tomorrow to see what happens.

Well fuck me, calling or texting could just get awkward (not to say it wouldn't otherwise). Like, Oh hey, I'm just you know, calling to see what's up with us--can I say "us" in that context, are we an "us?" I guess that's my question. No, I mean, are we, you know, doing that whole dating thing? okay, good stuff, I'll see you tomorrow, I have to go finish my homework.
Uh, no thank you.

Waiting till tomorrow seems like the most grueling thing ever. I mean, let's say I make it to then. What if he's not there? THEN what? Is it acceptable to call him under those circumstances? What if he's there, but he doesn't ask me? Do I ask him? I want to, and at the same time, what if he isn't ready? What if he's just trying to test the waters, and wants to go on another date to see? WHAT IF HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT ANY OF THIS AND I'M JUST LOSING MY MIND D: What the fuck?! HOW IS THIS SO DIFFICULT. Oh wait, I know how, except I can't really specify. It's just something I knew would happen at some point in my life. Truth be told, I'm still freaking out about us even going on a date, and the fact that HE asked ME.

!!!!!

Go fucking figure, I'm dropping hints like A-Bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, while he sits there and makes conversation like a polite and cute and nice young sir. And then I ask him to homecoming, and he says yes. As friends, I blurt out. And then the next day, he says, How about as more than friends? And then it's the next week, and he asks me out on a date. Oh my god. How the hell did this happen? I...totally misjudged this whole thing. Oh my christ. I need to vent, I need to fucking know, I need to talk to him, I need to just figure this shit out, I need to finish my homework tonight.

I feel like I'm the only one freaking out, I want to call him and say, YOU SIR! You are making my weekend very difficult in terms of thinking of anything without it somehow tying back to you, by being SO DAMN CONFUSING AND MISLEADING, I have no clue where I am, or where you're leading me, or if I'm not following you at all, and I'm just wandering around in circles chasing a brief moment of my life, in the grand scheme of things!


EXCLAMATION POINT, DO ME JUSTICE.

The fan is always on,
the monotonous engine serving no purpose other than to be white noise tainted grey.
While the thick air swirls,
the hum of global-warming-activists' brains igniting
drones and echoes off the ashen tiles,
gently grazing the door jamb.
The light is never on,
as if by keeping it off,
one is counter-acting the mindless waste, measured in watts per hour.
The stillness is kinetic,
stirred only by the rays of sunlight from sunrise that pierce the door,
seeping through the plank that rests ajar.
Here I sit in peace,
resting my head on a mattress of bacteria,
cool porcelain soothing against my feverish face.
But the basin traps the scent of decay,
and each breath inwards is as painful, if not more so, in more ways than the dry heaves were.

I'm having a Chinese phase right 'bout now.
i.e. I've got my Facebook in Chinese, I've got "Mo/u Yang" - Deserts Chang on repeeeaaaat, and I'm just diggin' it.
woop woop :D

and we've moved on to "Bao Bei (Baby)" oh my gooood she's so damn cute.

Is your profile song dedicated to anyone?
(sup, Myshpaise)
it's "Werewolf" - Cat Power
and I think of Ashle whenever I see the title, but I think mostly about Aaron when I listen to it. So.

Do you remember who you liked a year ago?
huhhhh yeah >_< unrequited love, how I love thee.

Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
been there, smoked that.
I haven't told this one! but I'm pretty sure he's figured it out himself.
if not, he's..fucking retarded.

What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
hurrrrr, I don't even remember who that is. LET'S SEE.
uhh...I'm going to..assume...my mum.


...
I'd laugh really really hard, then do a shit ton of coke, NO WAY AM I CARRYING A BABY, NO WAY AM I CARRYING AN INCESTUOUS BABY THE FUCK D:<

Who are the people you would do anything for?
I'd probably butt fuck for only one person.

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
for serious? huuhhh, I'd say...a couple weeks ago. I don't quite remember.

Is there someone that you want to see?
:3 I get to see youoouuuuuuu MANANAAAA and the day after!!

What age do you plan on having kids?
on my death bed, upon taking my last breath, I will then give birth. fuck that.

Will you sleep alone tonight?
Nope, hey hey madre!

Has this summer been a good one?
it was eventful, to say the least (3

Are you a mean person?
REALLY FUCKING MEAN

Has a guy/girl sat on your bed before?
uh no, bitches got cooties.

Is it more common for you to follow your heart or your mind?
heart, story of my life.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
last year, but shit's gotten better.
i.e. WAY better.
WO YE AI NI, JACK 8)

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
you know it :c

Do you miss your past?
this and that.

Is it okay to kiss someone when you're single?
the fuck? why wouldn't it be?

Will this weekend be a good one?
OH YES!
I am beyond excited for this B)

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
I'm really really good.
except I just remembered, I'm supposed to be typing an essay ffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

Made any new regrets this year?
hey man. I wouldn't change a thing.

Was the last person you hugged a male or female?
my mum and I were rubbing heads like cats a second ago, hahahaha.
it was cute as hell.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
ja ja ja

Have you ever dated the same person more than twice?
X) sup 6th7th8th grade.

What would you do if your best friend turned bi?
I'd have a fucking cow, throw a party, lead a parade, write a song, and then sweep her off her feet and do all the things our friendship is based on >:)

Do you wear eyeliner?
most of the time.

Does anyone disgust you?
ehhhh, sexually.
oh, wait, never mind, haha, yes. of course.

How many things in your past do you regret?
ah, really? I don't bother thinking about it.

How long have you had myspace?
too long. like, since seventh grade too long.

Think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
that's my goal :3

If you drank fifteen beers, what would you be doing?
right now?
fuckin falling over, probably walking around outside, calling Tasha like "Biiiiiasd...bitch! come..cget! mhey @ hyyy come get mEE!"
._.

If you could fast forward life, would you?
nnonononono!

Have you ever slept in the same bed with anyone on your top friends?
j...a? at least three, I don't think I've shared a bed with Jeff.

If you could go back to one month what month would it be?
August.

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
my mum probably.

Did you kiss more than ten people in '09?
uhhh...let me count >_<
yes, fuck it, I can't count.

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
yes yes yes please.

What is bothering you right now?
homework I'm avoiding, fuck me.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance:
not URRBODY

Is there anything that you are craving right now?
some D-I-C-K
actually no. truth be told, I'm craving sleeeeeep.

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you:
aujourd'hui!!!

Want someone back in your life?:
merrrmeremerrr, I dunno. let's see.

Do you find it hard to trust others?
u_u

Who was the last person on your top you saw in person ?
Moosey goosey

Does everything happen for a reason?
shit happens because you make it happen.

Do you miss anyone?
every day, ughhh. it's annoying.

Last member of the opposite sex you talked to?
Benjameeen.





I just gotta say, you're special enough that I'm willing to YouTube videos showing me how to waltz properly.
boy, you better treat me right.
DO ME RYT<3 I love you.

these guys are the most influential and inspirational people of my life thus far:


A-BOMB

KVIZA

I just hope they remember me.

A lot of these feelings probably come from the fact that I spent the majority (i.e. 99%) of my first trip with them.
I look back on it now, and I am overwhelmed by feelings of nostalgia: I feel like I could have done something different; made my mark deeper, if I made one at all; I wish I could go back in time and relive it.
I've never wanted to go back in time and change things, because things are how they are right now because of the decisions I've made- I'm happy with where I am.
In this case, though, this is very rare and unheard of for me to say: I truly wish I could go back in time and live it over again, and do it a little differently. Even if it modifies what is happening now, I just wish I could know within myself that I fulfilled my purpose, whatever it was.
I feel like I didn't do enough of something, that I wasn't enough of myself. I wish I could have just let go of everything: inhibitions, worries, cares, desires, hates, fears, all of it.

Truthfully, I think acid changed me, but for the better. I can't hate, I don't hate. It's not a conscious decision, but I feel it inside of myself.

I can't really think of anything relevant to type.
oh, except I got this mother fucker on Saturday:



ouuuuuuch.

unless, of course, you're in my situation, and have a sore throat, haven't eaten in two days, and are running on ten hours of sleep in the past twenty-four hours.
I think it's time to get fucked up. Or maybe just keep fucking up. The latter seems more probable.
My mum is convinced that I need to rest more, and it would probably be a good idea, but I can't. I can't I can't I can't I won't. I have to keep going.

But all of that really doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that I live long enough to see Marilyn Manson again at some point (maybe it's not all that matters).

I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing my mother bitch every waking moment of her existence.
I need a mother, I need a parent: not another 16 year-old living in a crowded condo.

I don't know where to begin, so I won't get into this, other than to say
grow the fuck up, woman.




On another note, school is still going well. Outside of that, life is very much the same. I'm just sick of my home life. I know there are others who have it MUCH worse than I do, and that's what I keep in mind every time I want to give up, every time I want to sigh in exasperation and storm out of the room. I used to think that there wasn't anything really exciting about leaving home, other than, you know, leaving home and living independently. I used to not really understand what was so bad about having to live with your parents, especially since moving out means being independent, in the sense that monthly bills, budgets, etc. are now your responsibility.
Recently, though, I've been looking past all of that, regardless of what it might mean.
I'm ready to be alone.


And then of course, a week into the school year, and I've already found something to focus on, if you catch my drift. I get the sense that this is different, and this one will be...good, and stable. I'm looking way ahead here, I know that, I just can't stop thinking that this might be my chance to ... I don't quite know what yet.

so why aren't you breathing?




I've been getting my ass kicked by schoolwork these past four days (yes, including today ._.) but it's what happens when I actually do work, versus putting it off. In a sense, I feel really accomplished that I'm buckling down and working hard, but at the same time it's like, Jeeeez, do I ever get a break?
I guess not.

sigh. life goes on. I really like my classes, though.

Artificially awake, breathing air from the lungs of twilight, dreaming the dreams of the innocent. Nearly impossible to fathom buying a gift of memories, a night of adventure- priceless air,
luxurious plastic armor, all with a card from birth, funds from a bank to be accessed only once. A precious point in time, sometimes desperate, sometimes unwillingly, often hastily, irresponsibly, and even regrettably.

Simply bored, the music of furniture the only comfort in a cave of fermented air. Averted eyes pray to fluorescent bulbs far out of reach, handfuls of flesh the only anchor, holding down a ship, sinking into a sea of bastardized offspring.

In times of preparation (purchasing the perfect gown for an unforgettable night to come, trimming hedges in the Garden of Eden, lucidly drinking the chemicals for coming of age), one would never believe that lack of skill was the result of playing a game without knowing the rules (nor is the thought of becoming the banker of an inexperienced spender).

After the night is gone, all that's left to anticipate is the grey eyes of dawn, batting her lashes of cumulus, yawning fresh sunlight for another day. The icy night air filled with thirty-two degrees of mist, and blinding pinpricks of gas a distant memory, swept away into the dust-pan of your psyche, only to be dumped on a shelf to collect dust, along with the other receipts from the Hallmarks of pituitary's past.

mmmm, that's it all for the best, of course it is.

I'm really hoping that one of the three works out, you know? I have one in mind, one I'd really like to see work out.
but beggars can't be choosers :C

I was just being paranoid. excuse my last entry.

on another note, I'm aaaaaaaalmost done with the letter, except now that I've only got six days left to get it in, I'm getting lazy and not doing it ._. I'm really really sleepy, though... I can't decide if I want to take a nap, chance being up late, or just finish the fuck up, then go to bed.


I choose the latter.

I feel like I'm missing out on something, something that should be really easy to see, but I'm just blinded by my denial.

what the hell, I only asked a question.

some things are just better left unasked, amirite?

sheeesh.

point is, I'm fucking tired as hell. can't tell if it's because I'm legitimately tired, or if it's due to my hungover-ness. either way, ugh.

story of my life:



JAAACKIE WHAT'S THE PROOOOBLEEEEM>??!

I think I'll try and go for a nap. but maybe not, I really should finish up my essay. fuuuuuu-

an interesting week.
an interesting summer, actually.
I can't recall in detail what I've done in the past week; each day seems like an eternity, a month in itself, so in all honesty, the only things I remember in detail are the things that happened at the very beginning.
and even those are in pieces.
I'm in the here and now, and I can't tell if it's because of all the weed I've smoked in a short period of time, or if it's because I'm subconsciously living by Ralph Waldo Emerson (not fretting about the future or dwelling on the past).
I'll tell you, I just had a fabulous five hours, starting around 10:30. 4 and a quarter, whatever.
point being, I need to go out and buy an X-Box 360 /:

420chan x)

"Golly gee! Those are LUH-LUH-LUH LADYFINGERS :o"

wtf. tonight was lame, though.

I've almost completed my English 11 AP letter, which I'm super psyched to have done this early. Alls I need is to hear back from my teachers, on a little detail. But that's okay, cos once the letter itself is done, all I have left is the list of things to do, like the list of words, 5 words to define/origin/reuse, and then something about 5 sentences, and something else. I'm not at all worried about getting it done, or about doing a bad job.

Mema's home, and has been since Saturday. Stuff's going alright at home, I guess- no worse or better than usual. The shrooms I bought turned out to be amaaaaazing, on Sunday night. I had an excellent trip with mai buddeez Sally and Caitlin, both of which were really good and nice and fun ("Let me tell you about stinky cumfart"). btw, don't try Double Dash on 150ccs while a'trippin. NOT a good idea unless you're a super-pro. Shit was sooooo hard. But after that, Sally and I stayed up for a good four hours just talking, something we haven't done in such a long time. It was really nice :) Then on Monday, we hung out with Caitlin, Klee, Tim, Spencer (whooooom I've taken a liking to), and Will for a while, until I had to go home for until about 9, at which point Spencer, Will, and I drove up to Sally's until around midnight, and spent our time telling stories and calling people ("Hey! It's your dear old grandma!")
All in all, a really good weekend. Hopefully the rest of the week will be as good, even though I work Thursday-Saturday, dunno about Sunday. I think I have it off, no complaints there.

oh jeebus, it's 2:30AM, I shouldn't be awake >_<
I think I'll just go downstairs, get me some waddah, and then go to beeyud.
sounds good.